This week’s adoptable pets!
Yea. So its been rough. I was told that my heart is twisted to the right in my chest and ventricular contractions are premature meaning my blood isn’t fully oxygenated. I have to go have a stress test and wear a halter monitor for 24 hours to see how severe things are. Its scary.
On top of that, I can’t seem to keep any weight on. Its literally falling off of me. I weigh like 99 lbs. and I’m exhausted. ALL. THE. TIME. They took me off antidepressants in case they were contributing to the problem. WITHDRAWAL SUCKS.
But I’m still pushing through, going to work, working on my children’s book. I am determined to make a positive difference in some small way no matter what life throws at me!
I won’t lie. When I was younger, I struggled with being an adoptee. I didn’t understand why my biological parents would just give me away. Eventually at age 14, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorder. I was in bad shape. All I wanted was to belong somewhere and I just felt alone. Kids were cruel and bullied me about being adopted which only amplified my pain. Around that time, my daddy allowed to me to adopt 2 dogs. Suddenly, I had a purpose. I had a reason to be here! These dogs needed me. The one with white in his coat was Max and the black one was Jack. They were my everything. But out of the two of them, Jack seemed to sense I was struggling and that I needed him. He followed me everywhere like a shadow, always providing unconditional love and support. He was like my child. In the summer of 2012, I suffered an ectopic pregnancy. It destroyed my left fallopian tube and left ovary. I had to have emergency surgery and by all accounts, I should have died. I never even knew there was a pregnancy to feel sad about until I was on my way to the OR. A month later, Jack got sick. My parents were in Houston and I had a broken knee and no money to take him to the vet. I begged my parents to come home. I could sense the situation was dire. When my parents finally returned from Texas, they said he seemed fine. But I knew my dog, and he was not fine. The next day, they realized how bad off he was and rushed him to an emergency veterinary specialist over an hour away. At the same time, we were being pounded by a small hurricane. All I wanted to do was go and be with my baby and I couldn’t. Despite everything the vets did, he died. It absolutely destroyed me. I felt like I had died with him. Perhaps its messed up that losing a baby to ectopic pregnancy didn’t phase me, but the loss of my dog crushed me. But that’s just my personality I suppose. People have always hurt me, abandoned me, and let me down. All Jack ever did was love me unconditionally. I felt like I’d lost the only one who ever loved me and wanted me around. To this day, I am not over it. Less than two weeks ago, we had to put his brother, Max down. It was equally hard. I feel like I have no one that needs me and nowhere to belong again. Despite having the best adoptive parents and having had a reunion with my biological parents, I still feel completely lost. I still feel sad about the adoption. I still feel like I’m not good enough. And now I’ve lost the only two beings who were able to help me cope. I am lost. I hurt. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like anyone understands and I could really use a friend.
Today was Hard.
I’m still trying to find the words. I’m still trying to accept it. It’s surreal.
I lost my baby.
We had to put my dog down. I’ve had him for 16 years. I don’t have kids. He was my kid.
I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye. If I said goodbye I couldn’t pretend he was just somewhere else. I’d have to admit he was gone.
But now I can’t seem to believe it. or really grieve.
Work is keeping me busy. I supposed it will hit when I go home to his empty collar.
Any comfort or advice is welcomed.