I won't lie. When I was younger, I struggled with being an adoptee. I didn't understand why my biological parents would just give me away. Eventually at age 14, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorder. I was in bad shape. All I wanted was to belong somewhere and I just felt alone. Kids were cruel and bullied me about being adopted which only amplified my pain. Around that time, my daddy allowed to me to adopt 2 dogs. Suddenly, I had a purpose. I had a reason to be here! These dogs needed me. The one with white in his coat was Max and the black one was Jack. They were my everything. But out of the two of them, Jack seemed to sense I was struggling and that I needed him. He followed me everywhere like a shadow, always providing unconditional love and support. He was like my child. In the summer of 2012, I suffered an ectopic pregnancy. It destroyed my left fallopian tube and left ovary. I had to have emergency surgery and by all accounts, I should have died. I never even knew there was a pregnancy to feel sad about until I was on my way to the OR. A month later, Jack got sick. My parents were in Houston and I had a broken knee and no money to take him to the vet. I begged my parents to come home. I could sense the situation was dire. When my parents finally returned from Texas, they said he seemed fine. But I knew my dog, and he was not fine. The next day, they realized how bad off he was and rushed him to an emergency veterinary specialist over an hour away. At the same time, we were being pounded by a small hurricane. All I wanted to do was go and be with my baby and I couldn't. Despite everything the vets did, he died. It absolutely destroyed me. I felt like I had died with him. Perhaps its messed up that losing a baby to ectopic pregnancy didn't phase me, but the loss of my dog crushed me. But that's just my personality I suppose. People have always hurt me, abandoned me, and let me down. All Jack ever did was love me unconditionally. I felt like I'd lost the only one who ever loved me and wanted me around. To this day, I am not over it. Less than two weeks ago, we had to put his brother, Max down. It was equally hard. I feel like I have no one that needs me and nowhere to belong again. Despite having the best adoptive parents and having had a reunion with my biological parents, I still feel completely lost. I still feel sad about the adoption. I still feel like I'm not good enough. And now I've lost the only two beings who were able to help me cope. I am lost. I hurt. And I don't know what to do. I don't feel like anyone understands and I could really use a friend.
Then, I was taken off traditional antidepressants due to serotonin syndrome and tics that they caused. I was also diagnosed with Sinus Tachycardia and Left Posterior Fascicular Block in my heart. I don't know what that means but its scary. I see a cardiologist on the 6th. Please pray for me and send some good vibes my way. I will keep you posted.
I really started this blog for myself. A safe place to talk about my feelings and the like. But I decided I wanted to tell my story. I figure that will be therapeutic as well. And maybe someone else will read it and relate and know they're not alone.
I came into this world with a bang! I tend to everything with a bang so I suppose its only appropriate I started life that way. I was born on January 9, 1988 in Fort Worth, Texas at 4:21 a.m. by emergency c-section because I had punched through the placental sac and my biological mother was bleeding heavily. I was only 3 or 4 lbs at birth. My biological mother was only teenager at the time and placed me up for adoption through Gladney Adoption Services. I spent the first month in the NICU due to my small size and health. I spent the next month in a foster home being cared for elderly woman who tried to help me grow and become healthy. At last, I was adopted at 2 months old by the best parents I could have ever asked for. New Orleans was my new home. I was now the baby sister to a 3.5 year old boy who had also been adopted from Gladney. He loved being a big brother to me.... that is until I started walking. I didn't walk until 15 months but once I was walking, I wanted to follow him everywhere and play with all his toys. Boys always had better toys in my opinion. I was a tomboy from the start. We also had two furry, rescue siblings: Mandy and Icarus (named for the mythological story of the boy who flew to close to the sun) both mixed breed dogs. I loved them like crazy but I was an annoying baby who was not gentle, followed them everywhere, and pulled tails. Needless to say, they weren't my biggest fans. I loved animals from then on. Animals and animal rescue became one of my greatest passions. I will use that to segway into another cause that is important to me: Adoption is not just for people! Its for animals too!
Adopt, Don't Shop. Even if there is a specific breed that you absolutely must have, there are rescues dedicated to just certain breeds like the Louisiana Basset Rescue. This ends chapter one of my story. I hope you enjoyed it. More to come soon.
Today was Hard.
I'm still trying to find the words. I'm still trying to accept it. It's surreal.
I lost my baby.
We had to put my dog down. I've had him for 16 years. I don't have kids. He was my kid.
I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye. If I said goodbye I couldn't pretend he was just somewhere else. I'd have to admit he was gone.
But now I can't seem to believe it. or really grieve.
Work is keeping me busy. I supposed it will hit when I go home to his empty collar.
Any comfort or advice is welcomed.
so I'm waiting for my uniform in the dryer.... and all I can think about is how I am dreading the day tomorrow. Verbal abuse of customers for a wage that isn't livable. Hence, why I started back to school. I picked a business degree because I knew it would open the most doors. But lately, I've been wondering if that's the right major. I was violently physically assaulted 2 years ago while on the job and have had a wonderful experience with the best lawyer and just felt like I want to help people. I want to make a difference. However, I am far too emotional and bull-headed to be a successful lawyer...and then I started doing an English paper on adoption. Being an adoptee myself, I am fascinated by the history and the process. In my research, I've seen so much misinformation and so much hurt caused by the adoption process. I suppose I've had a rose-colored view of the whole process because my adoptive family is literally perfect. But there are those who never reunite with their biological parents, those who go to abusive homes, those who are lied to.... and I felt.
Maybe that is my calling. Maybe I can somehow help heal the hurt caused by past adoptions and affect further reform in future adoptions to protect all parties involved. I even tried writing a template for a customizable adoption book for kids. I feel telling an adopted child from the beginning is key to their ability to adjust and cope with being different. I wanted to make it customizable for race, religion, ethnicity, gender, families that have 2 moms or 2 dads, biracial families, etc..... If you are adopted as well, what do you think? any suggestions?
Thanks for joining me!
“Our generation has the ability and the responsibility to make our ever-more connected world a more hopeful, stable and peaceful place.” — Natalie Portman
Hopefully if you follow my blog as I work through some of my feelings, I'll be able to help you as well.